"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North
Amer--Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
The Silicon Hillbillies
(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies.)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...."
UNIX, that is .... CRTs.... Workstations....
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
"Arizona is the place ya oughta be"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel that is ..... dry heat.... no amusement parks....
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is.... unpaid.... mandatory....
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers gettin' mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is.... stressed out.... no social life....
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is.... de-briefed.... unemployed....
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch your bosses squirm.
Mllionaires, that is.... Bill Gates.... Steve Jobs....
Yall come back now... ya hear......
How to Identify an Engineer
You might be an engineer if:
* You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home
banking software.
* A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna
on the radio in your work area for better reception.
* All your sentences begin with "what if."
* Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck enjoying the scenery,
and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam.
* The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
* The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
your mind.
* When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next
twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You are convinced you can build a phaser from your garage door opener
and your camera's flash attachment.
* You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to
the cork screws than the Chardonnay.
* You can understand anything Al Gore says.
* You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs
to see how they do the special effects.
* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
* You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
* You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
* You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic
equipment on commercial flights.
* You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
* You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
* You see a good design and still have to change it.
* You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability
of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
* You talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
* You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
get enough sleep.
* You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
* You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the
mission controllers.
* You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
* Your checkbook always balances.
* Your dress clothes come from Sears.
* Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you
grew up thinking that was normal.
* Your favorite actor is R2D2.
* Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
* Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
* Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
* Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place.
* Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
* Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
* Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner.
* Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
* Your spouse hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
* Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium,
and more buttons than a telephone.
You might be in Education if....
* You can converse in middle schoolease.
* Your last nerve is a distant memory...
* Every day is a bad hair day.
* You find humor in public parental discipline.
* You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.
* You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.
* You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to
"Walk!"
* Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that
age again...
* You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work
8 - 3 and have your summers free."
* You refer to adults as "boys and girls"
* You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper"
* You believe chocolate is a major food group.
* You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
* You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report
card.
* You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
* When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are
misbehaving.
* You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."
* You have no life from August through June.
* Putting all "A"s on the report card would be so much easier.
* You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school
for 5 years.
* You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
* You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can
hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You think that caffeine should be available in I V form.
* Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like that?"
Top 10 Signs you work in the '90s
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats
to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next
door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
his ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Desert Survival Tips
A Purdue graduate, a Notre Dame graduate and an Indiana University graduate were walking aimlessly through the desert. The Purdue graduate brought a bucket of water, so the other's asked, "Why did you bring that water?" The Purdue graduate answered, "If I get hot, I can dump the water on me!"
The Notre Dame graduate also brought a container full of water, and the others asked, "Why did you bring that?" He answered, "If I Get hot, I can drink the water!"
The Indiana graduate brought a car door, and the others asked, "Why did you bring that?" The Indiana graduate replied, "Gosh, I thought even you guys could figure that out! If I get hot, I can roll down the car window."
How to get the job done
There are three ways to get something done:
Do it yourself,
Hire someone,
Or forbid your kids to do it.
Seen on a T-shirt:
I'm not fat. It's just that I'm so smart that God had
to put the rest of my brains in my belly.
Still as a Statue
A wife was in bed with another man when she heard her husband come home. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move," she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue."
The husband walked in the door, glanced at the 'statue' and asked, "What's this, honey?"
"Oh, a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one, and I liked it so much I bought one for us."
Around two in the morning, after they had gone to bed, the husband got up and went to the kitchen for a little snack. Later, he returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
Vermonter's Guide to Computer Lingo
Modem -- What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix -- Farmer Matrix's Old Lady.
Printer -- Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top -- Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard -- Where you hang your keys.
Electronic Mail -- Bathroom readin' material.
Log On -- Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off -- Don't add wood.
Monitor -- Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download -- Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz -- When yer not carefull downloadin' (Watch th' toes!)
Software -- Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Hard Drive -- Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt -- What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows -- What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen -- What you need for black fly season.
Byte -- What black flies do.
Micro Chip -- What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Laser -- Someone less ambitious than you.
Words Not Yet in the Dictionary
Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. -- Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Burgacide (burg' uh side) n. -- When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
Buzzacks (buz' aks) n. -- People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
Carperpetuation (kar' pur petu a shun) v. -- The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Dimp (dimp) n. -- A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
Disconfect (dis kon fekt) v. -- To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
Ecnalubma (ek na lub' ma) n. -- A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
Petophobic (peh toe fo' bik) adj. -- One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. -- The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Slogan for a Septic Cleaning Service
Slogan for a septic cleaning service in Russellville, Kentucky:
"Nobody sticks their nose in *MY* business."
High Tech Sales Jargon
New - Different color from previous design
All New - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design
Exclusive - Imported product
Unmatched - Almost as good as the competition
Foolproof Operation - No provision for adjustments
Advanced Design - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
It's Here at Last - Rush job, Nobody knew it was coming
Field Tested - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
High Accuracy - Unit on which all parts fit
Futuristic - No other reason why it looks the way it does
Redesigned - Previous flaws fixed... we hope!
Direct Sales Only - Factory had big argument with distributor
Years of Development - We finally got one that works
Breakthrough - We finally figured out a use for it
Maintenance Free - Impossible to fix
Meets all Standards - Ours, not yours
Solid-State - Heavy as hell
High Reliability - We made it work long enough to ship it
It's Not My Problem
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel
and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Just The In-Laws
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said. "I married your sister!"
Virus Alert
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
Hillary Clinton Virus - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later in another directory.
Paul Revere Virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impeding hard disk attack. One if by LAN, twice if by C.
Ted Turner Virus - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Gallup Virus - Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
Congressional Virus - The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the reason for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
